1. “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, “breakfast.”
2. “Everything this year was three-dimensional, except the characters in The Tourist. I feel bad about that joke. I’m jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven’t even seen that movie. But who has?”
3. “Our first presenter is beautiful, talented, and Jewish apparently. Mel Gibson told me that. He’s obsessed. Please welcome Scarlett Johansson.”
4. “Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing, I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in.”
5. “Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Because it’s not 1975.”
6. “There were a lot of big films that didn’t get nominated. Nothing for Sex and the City 2. I was sure the Golden Globes for special effects would go to the team which airbrushed that poster.”
7. “Also not nominated I Love You Phillip Morris. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So, the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists.  My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke.”
8. “Who are our next presenter from such films as Hudson Hawk, Look Who’s Talking, Mercury Rising, Color of Night, The Fifth Element, Hart’s War. Please welcome Ashton Kutcher’s dad, Bruce Willis.”
9. “I love this next presenter. He’s so cool. He’s the star of Iron Man. Two Girls and a Guy. Wonderboys. I’m sorry are these porn films? Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Bowfinger? Up the Academy. Come on! He has done all of those films, but many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as The Betty Ford Clinic and the Los Angeles County Jail. Robert Downey, Jr.”
10. “I’d like to quash the rumors that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the Hollywood Foreign Press can hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is rubbish, that is not the only reason. They also accepted bribes.”
11. My least favorite: “And thank you to God…… For making me an atheist.”

How did Gervais feel about his own performance? Here is what he told The Los Angeles Times after he finished ripping into all of Hollywood: